America Time

Hi folks! Sorry for the hiatus. I promised a post on my time in America and now I will attempt to deliver. To recap, I love playing around with technicalities, and technically my around the world trip didn't start until July 24th as I flew from London to Miami and then on to KC (my ticket package starts and ends in London). So I believe this gives me the distinction of the first ever human being to spend the first two weeks of an around the world trip in, drum roll please, Prairie Village, KS. I've mainly split time between here and Chicago and it's been great.

I wish I could do an entire long write-up or series of posts on traveling in America for my non-U.S. friends. There are so many misconceptions of our great land. They often forget just how huge and how diverse this country is. That it would be very difficult to make their envisioned NYC-Miami-LasVegas-LA itinerary work in a week or two. That we don't really have train travel like they do. That Chicago is gangster, but it's not quite the Al Capone shit they envision anymore. I've been to 39 states and I always tell people abroad that America is like 10 countries in one. That the differences between the deep South and say, the Pacific Northwest are far greater than the difference between many neighboring European countries. It's a place I hope they can all come see for themselves (don't let the DHS scare you away!).

So to give a small and very incomplete glimpse into life in America, I present the most American things I've done in my brief time back:

1. Food

My one beef (GET IT?!?!) with European food is they tend to skimp on the meat. I had to fix that. Pretty much the first thing I did when I got home was saddle up to the gilded community trough known as Oklahoma Joe's BBQ with my friends Amy and Chris. Kansas City isn't known for much, but our BBQ will lick any competitors. Anything on the menu short of salads ("you don't win friends with salad") is divine. I went with the Brisket Z-Man. Usually cheese is sacrilege on BBQ; the Z-Man is the exception.

Burgers are an art form unto themselves in the U.S. as well, and one of my favorites would have to be Elvis' Last Stand (bacon and homemade peanut butter on top) at The Bad Apple in Chicago. That and several heavenly Founders Centennial IPAs were imbibed with one Shane Norris. Also in Chicago, a mad genius named Kevin K. invited me to his annual Hotdogalypse. A hot dog using a Twinkie as a bun may or may not have been consumed along with several other concoctions. I figure that's Amurika.

The grand finale to mentionable food would have to be the whole pig we (I say we but I didn't do shit except provide the delicious sauces and hold the flashlight) smoked at my friend Ben's bachelor party at a Wisconsin cabin. It had never been done by this group, we had a few scary early moments, but we ended up with 40 some pounds of perfectly cooked pork (at this point I've lost my vegan readers). Nothing more American than weight gain. Yee haw. Loved every bite of everything!

Get it Ben!

Baseball

Europeans don't get baseball. I understand that. I don't get cricket, and am only recently coming around on soccer. And to look on baseball with virgin eyes would be a study in WTF? and possible boredom. But baseball's the game I grew up playing. I spent a solid chunk of my pre-teen and teen years under the lights on muggy summer nights, eating seeds out of my back pocket, kicking around the dirt by first base, somewhat ready for the occasional grounder. As an adult, I'm as happy at Kaufman Stadium as I am anywhere in the world. If the Royals had been in playoff contention (just you wait mother truckers), I would have postponed my trip, so you know I'm serious when I say I love the game. I was lucky enough to get to two Royals games and a White Sox game in my time back. To my non-U.S. friends, if you ever visit the states, try to make a game.

As part of Ben's bachelor party, we even got to play some! Ben purchased a wooden bat, failed to inscribe Wildenradt on it, and then 14 knuckleheads, many who had clearly never stood in the batter's box, played a 9 inning game. Beers were spilled in the outfield. Minor crotch related injuries were sustained from errant liners. Foul balls veered toward random cars belonging to patrons at the adjoining townie bar as we cringed. But it was a hell of a good time! Baseball, America's past time.

Clark was there in spirit.

Guns

I actually failed at shooting real guns. Had a few opportunities to go to my Grandpa's or my friend's farm and blast off a few rounds but it never worked out right. So to shoehorn this into the theme, we'll count our paintball outing in Wisconsin. Had only gone twice before, 15 years previous in a cave in Kansas City. We just have to be different, so we showed up wearing old vintage suits for the special occasion. The dumbfounded look on the teenage, could-barely-see-them-due-to-all-the-camo, future militia member locals as 8 yahoos from NYC and Chicago and Lawrence strolled up was priceless. The game was a blast! Madd intense actually. Joey Joe Joe might still have a welt on his dome from when I sniped him right in the mind.

Family

Home is where the heart is, right? Sha-lah-la-la. Of course a terrific component of being in the states was spending time with my lovely, strange family. I hadn't really lived at home since a summer or two in early college, so having me around was hopefully quite a treat. Not sure they'd always agree, haha, as I conned my brother into driving me places, failed to show up to help my sister pick potatoes out of her garden at ungodly early hours, and scoffed my way through Paul Ryan's speech as I watched with my for-some-reason-Republican-ish mother. The most fun we had was definitely getting the extended mom's side together at my cousin Jason's wedding. My mom and Aunt Mary can dance! It was also a joy to see the groom flawlessly execute his pre-announced plan of being the good meet and greeter for the first two hours of the reception, then getting fantastically drunk in the last hour or so. Had a blast, congratulations, and thank you all!

I should also note that I have more than one brother. The morons I met on the 7th floor of Oliver Hall freshmen year may as well be. So good to see many of them at the cabin. And the Norrisses and Driers especially have been so kind to me and I've spent countless hours in their houses over the last few years. Which leads me to expressing my thanks to the following people who've put me up on this journey:

Pat and Linda Delaney - duh
Ben and Anja
Amy and Chris
Shane and Alissa
Garrett and Katie
Nate and Meghan
Cole and Tassie
Chrissy - hasn't put me up but I'll hear about it if she's not mentioned :)
Megan and Daniel - special thanks to them for pushing/encouraging me to do this trip!

Almost all the Albers cousins in one place! And a random photobomber.

Levi dominates.

Miscellaneous

Like fingers on a  hand, a good list has 5, not 4. But my devotion and ability to see this theme through is waning. So in picture form, I present you a few more activities, which the U.S.A. does not own alone, but does quite well. Please sing the following a la' Team America: World Police

Swimmin' holes, f-yeah! Engagement parties, f-yeah! Skyscrapers, f-yeah! Sports related gambling with homemade last place trophies.....f-yeah!

 

 

The solemn passage of the Lack of Fanhood Award