The Rock Tour

How does one adequately describe The Rock Tour? A three day, two night tour in which I woke up on the wrong side of 5:30am all three mornings. A tour in which I slept shoulder to shoulder with 19 strangers under a simple aluminum shelter due to an incredibly rare rain storm. A tour in which I bit the bullet and ordered 15 beers, to reach our goal in a complicated beer ordering process. A tour in which a Korean man sang to me. And a tour in which I saw one of the true wonders of the world, Uluru, a single sandstone structure 348m high and thought to extend up to 6km beneath the ground. Here goes nothing.

I flew into Alice Springs from Cairns and promptly melted upon exiting the aircraft. 39 degrees Celsius, solidly north of 100 in our world. Alice Springs is not really that close to Uluru. Our tour guide said he's had people walk up to him in Alice Springs and ask him which street its on!!!! It's 450 km away!! So to get there, Ashley and I chose to go with The Rock Tour. Little did we know how strange and fortuitous a choice that was.

Before we go further I need to try to describe our guide, Myles. He reminds me of a mix of Steve Irwin (wore the cliche Outback uniform of short shorts, dirty shirt, tried to pick up lizards, etc.), Bradley Cooper's character in The Hangover (extremely uncouth and vaguely looks like him) and some British comedian I can't put my finger on (dry/quick wit with underlying charm and, well, Myles is English).

His humor was right up my alley. He pulled the old "hit the brakes and fake like he hit a kangaroo" trick when he needed to rouse us from our bus slumber. He threw a fake snake at the girls in the adjoining group. His impersonation of Japanese tourists slayed me and I'm not proud of it. Memorable quotes include:

- "Ooh. Those are organic." - as he noticed people fretting about the ubiquitous ants on the picnic table.

- "Does anyone like cats?" - while looking in the rear view mirror with a strobing head lamp on as he wildly drove us down a lightning-lit road to our awaiting campsite, all while blasting Prodigy's Firestarter. On the way out, it was confirmed he accidentally demolished a feral cat.

- "Have a cup of cement and harden the fuck up. You booked it." - in reference to complainy guests he had had in winter.

- "Later I'll tell you how it REALLY happened." - after finishing a fascinating geologic explanation of Uluru, previewing his Aboriginal cultural explanation later.

Myles has a ridiculously demanding job, physically and mentally, baby sitting 21 strangers from different lands in often dangerous conditions. He barely ate or slept, but kept us safe, informed, and highly entertained. Best tour guide I've ever had and it's not really close.


Day 1

Myles pulled up in not quite a van, not quite a bus promptly at 6am. Inside, every seat was now full. 21 people representing 9 countries. Quiet now, but would come to learn what strange, wonderful souls they all were.

After quite a drive, our first real stop was King's Canyon for a three hour hike...at noon...in a 100 degree oven. The first section was called, no joke, "Heartattack Hill". "We're allowed to lose 10% of you" kidded(?) Myles. Luckily the clouds rolled in and we were treated to a lovely trek. The clouds, we would come to see, played a prominent role, saver from heatstroke, thwarter of views.

After almost hitting some wild horses and a hilarious "park in the middle of absolutely no where and fan out to collect firewood (guests work on this trip)" quest, we made a late camp. Lightning danced across the sky and soon the rain came. "First rain in my 44 tours," remarked Myles, his eyes stating "tours" more in a military than tourism sense. We took turns stirring chilli in the rain while others put up a horizontal tarp for one sided protection. The rain let up to tease us into putting our swag (canvas sleeping bag/coffin things) around the fire. Within 5 minutes, everyone was back under the scraggily shelter. We survived and good thing, as Myles confided to us later, help was FAR away.

Day 2

Another drive took us to Uluru/Kata Tjuta National Park. We stopped at a more refined campsite to shower. I found myself quietly sitting the porcelain throne when I heard a familiar noise and the heavily accented words, "ugh, chilli" come out of our hilarious Kazakhstani's mouth as a Korean laughed a few stalls down. A true moment for me of "where the hell am I and what is happening?"

Next up was to hike "the valley of the winds". Problem was, the road leading to it was on fucking fire! Myles laughed and took us to the Cultural Center as he brainstormed how the hell to adjust the tightly planned schedule. We wandered the center, learned of Tjukurpa, the foundation of the local peoples culture, and read the "Sorry" book (hundreds of letters from tourists who had lifted rocks from the park and were now returning them, believing themselves cursed).

Then the good news came that we could proceed to Kata Tjuta. Took another beautiful three hour hike in a very Arizona landscape. Coolest part was in the actual little secluded valley. The men used to herd/trap hunting game in the valley and literally watch from the slanted cliff sides, like a sporting event, as the boys learned to hunt, often with comical results.

We followed this with a "mala" walk at the base of Uluru. Myles sat us in a cave and told/drew a history of the peoples of Uluru. I knew then he was a great tour guide, because I listened to every word. The summit hike was closed that day anyway, but Myles explained why the Aborigines plead with people not to hike it, a request we were all happy to respect. Apparently if the number of park entrants who hike it falls below 20% (at 21% now) or three more people die on it (dark!), they can close it for good.

Our evening ended with the long-awaited sunset at Uluru. Stupid clouds! "Second worst sunset ever," noted the always candid Myles. Still had a blast trying to top each other's pictures for Myles' photo contest while drinking beers and eating chicken casserole. Quite a contrast to the older, richer tour groups surrounding us with their champagne and selected appetizers and huge, air- conditioned coaches. I wandered over to the retired Americans I recognized from my flight and they laughed as we contrasted our experiences thus far (though they missed the hint to offer me some of their food or champagne, haha). Still, wouldn't trade the "crazy gang tour" for any of those.

That night at the less rough camp we drank our beers and ciders and were treated to "Josh" (who WILL get his own profile) singing us a flawless, soulful rendition of his countryman's "Gagnam Style". I even got Kat, a cheerful Aussie, to cut my ridiculous hair by the firelight. Came out pretty damn good considering she had never done that! Myles ended the night polling us on who wants to see the sunrise. He drooped his shoulders and sighed as he received the unanimous answer. A night under no stars :( would end promptly with a 4:30am wake up to be first bus back in the park.

Day 3

In ridiculous good spirits...or maybe just in early stages of insanity, we viewed a weak sunrise. We then briskly walked the full base of Uluru. Spent in conversation with Saskia on the German school system, it was quite different than I perhaps pictured, but rewarding nonetheless. My spiritual experiences can wait until Asia :)

We took the long ride back towards Alice Springs, breaking only for lunch and a stop at an animal orphanage. A ball-busting camel ride and cheering a male kangaroo's fruitless courtship solidified an odd trip.

Back in town we washed up and were to meet Myles back for dinner and drinks. It's telling that all 21 showed. We had a truly amazing group. Never would have told myself I could spend all that money, not see stars or a sunset, and feel incredibly lucky. Myles said we were tied for the best group ever. When the girls handed him a hand drawn card, complete with a cat with x-ed out eyes, he bumped us to number one!

They were okay.

As I flew to Adelaide two days later, I marvelled thinking how Myles was already back out there, driving a new group for 4 hours already, thinking how awful it would be as guide (or patron) to have a dud group (like the one that shadowed us, which Ashley and I could have easily ended up in). Screw the weather, we were lucky. Just an amazing experience!

Oz Thoughts

What I loved about Australia:

- All their strange/playful words and usages. Sheila, tinny, sorted, mozzie, mate, rubbish, chock, reckon, jumper, molle. The list is endless. They also seem to pronounce aluminum, "Al-yoo-minimum".

- Tax built into prices. Most of the world does this, it's not news to many, but it is to a few of my devoted readers.

- Seemingly all kids wear incredibly dorky school uniforms. I thought it best not to photograph some random kid, so just trust me. But I don't know how bullies know whose ass to kick, including their own.

- Airport security or lack thereof for domestic flights. The blueshirts at our airports are a farce. So it was incredibly refreshing to waltz through with my shoes and belt on, water bottle, etc. Never even showed ID to anyone!!

- Every time I use a toilet I get to decide which button to flush, a little game. Took a while to figure out it was half vs full flush, and for the record, half flush rarely seems sufficient. And yes, the water spins the wrong way.

- Lagoons! Places like Cairns and Airlie Beach have huge public pools right on the ocean front so people can have a good time without worrying about jellyfish, sharks, rock fish, saltwater crocs, riptides, etc.

- The streak of room upgrades Ashley and I briefly had going.

- Love using, "Ah, in America it's different" as a built in excuse when I don't know how to do something simple like use a coffee machine.

- Their 50 cent piece has a kangaroo and emu holding a crest on one side and the queen of England on the other. Another one has a fucking platypus!

- Last minute edit: Last night in Australia, at an Adelaide bar with my German friend from the Rock Tour, and in walk the Black freaking Keys. Sat just us three at a table with Dan for a solid 10 minutes, though their security took their job seriously, but we finally got a picture with Patrick at the end!

*No idea why I can't shrink it. It is copied from Saskia's Facebook since I'm a moron and chose this as the one night to not bring my camera!

Things not so cool:

- Australia put the wood to my intended budget. The exchange rate is basically 1 - 1, but shit is expensive. $30+ for books, $15 train to airport (Chicago's El is $2.25), $20 for sunscreen, and worst of all, $45+ for a case of shitty beer. Internet is rarely free as well. Should have gotten a job here and brought earnings back to U.S. They're paid quite well. Anyway, looking forward to Asia prices.

- Shitty beer. Just insert everything I said about Europe (other than Czech and German beer) and insert it here. And man do they love cider. Amusing to watch this tough Aussie Rules Footy team chug ciders.

- They seem to ration electrical outlets here.

- The plight of the Aborigines seems all too familiar to that of many Native American populations.

- Checkpoints, CCTV surveillance, strict bar serving rules, over cautious street crossing signals (hard to explain), helmets at all times, and just an abundance of little rules here and there. I usually hate the term "nanny state" but NZ and Australia creep into that territory.

I guess it's just funny to grow up seeing Crocodile Dundee and Bonk, Steve Irwin, even Russell Crowe and just figuring they come from a super badass land. It turns out to be kind of a mix of the two.

Those are mostly trivial, just want to cover both sides of these countries. Overall, Australia was everything I hoped it would be: amazing beaches, funny people, and life-long memories like the Great Barrier Reef and Uluru.

I saw a lot considering my time limits. A few things I missed:

- Never held a Koala or fed a Kangaroo. Tried to save it for last day, in Adelaide, but instead just blogged, sat around, and did laundry. The new GTL?

- Learning to surf or scuba (maybe Thailand).

- Paying my respects to Steve Irwin at his big zoo north of Brisbane. Loved that dude. Weirded out an ex-gf by all but crying when he died, haha. A true croc safari up near Darwin would have been cool too.

- Never took off my shirt and disappeared into the Outback like a minor hero of mine, Alan Rickman's Aboriginal slave at the end of Quigley Down Under (Shouldn't be a spoiler, anyone with TBS should have seen Quigley!)

- Never played knifey/spooney.

I'm hoping this won't be my last time here. I had a fantastic time in Australia.

Tomorrow it's off to Bangkok and Southeast Asia. A whole new world of temples, bugs, languages, crowdedness, beaches, and general adventure await me in Thailand, Laos, Cambodia, and Singapore. Talk to you soon.

Some animals and random pics:

2 foot wingspan bats. Thousands of them!

Some sort of beached narwahl.

Australian Coast

I've always wanted to go to Australia. Almost pulled the trigger on a study abroad my junior year but didn't want to miss a national championship for KU basketball. Stupid face Gerry Mcnamara and Carmelo ruined that prediction, though even had we won, weak reason to skip the chance to travel abroad. Now was my redemption.

Melbourne

Original itinerary had me skipping Melbourne. Glad I did not. I stayed in the somewhat hipster Fitzroy neighborhood at a place called the Nunnery, a converted convent. Had a few days to stroll through the Royal Botanic Gardens, see the Shrine of Remembrance, lunch in St. Kilda Beach. I even glimpsed my first celebrity, Geoffery Rush at a cafe! Then at the Victoria Market, I had my first successful barter since Peru. Talked a woman down 60% on a rubber Ipod Nano cover with the flawless tactic of "Ma'am, look at this thing. Three dollars." Too bad the other dude wouldn't budge on the Kevin Durant jersey, I needed a man tank for Oz (yes, I went to a market in Australia and seemed to only contemplate buying very American type things).

Really liked Melbourne. Seemed hip and chill. Not much specific to see, but a cool town for arts, cafe culture, etc.

Great Ocean Road

Took a day trip from Melbourne to traverse the Great Ocean Road. The tour was comically quaint. Guides told lame jokes, played an appropriate song for every occasion (when it stopped raining, I Can See Clearly Now, etc.), and threw disgusting granny candy to people who answered trivia correctly. The Brazilian doppelganger of a low-level arch-nemesis of mine was also along for the ride.

The sights were terrific though. First stop was what pushed me off the fence whether to even go or not: Bells Beach, the watery grave of Bohdi. Nevermind that scene was shot in California, I still confused the entire contingent of our short bus with multiple Point Break quotes.

 

"They'll be the group within the group. You see 'em, you'll know"

Then we heckled some wildlife. In keeping with the ghetto nature of the tour, the Kangaroos we saw were lounging on a golf course and the koala was up in a tree on some residential road we pulled into. Not quite the nature setting the brochure hinted at. Got to hold some pretty birds though....until Brazilian Squaw scared them off with her maniacal laughter and chasing.

Other stops included beautiful ocean rock formations like the 12 Apostles and London Bridge. The day was long and comically strange but gave my camera a moderate workout, which is all I could really ask.

Sydney

Sydney got about 8 hours of my time. Why? Long story that ends with "I'm a moron". But in those 8 hours I walked across the Harbor Bridge, had lunch at Bondi Beach, got threatened by and counter-threatened a drunk vagrant on the city bus, and had a Guinness and watched some playoff baseball.

My time there was basically a lay-over on a 20-hour train ride from Melbourne to Brisbane. Again, I'm not smart. If you ever find yourself jealous of my adventures, just picture my 6'2 frame trying to sleep, curled on two little train seats, knees to my chest, heels on my ass, then getting woken up by a new seat neighbor, a woman who may have nearly drowned herself in perfume, which made me delve deep into inner strength to keep from gagging to death.

Brisbane

On about 3.5/48 hour sleep scale, I spent the day in dull, rainy Brisbane awaiting my friend Ashley's arrival. To pass the time I saw Looper, one of those movies where you leave and are still asking yourself if that was good or ridiculous. I've firmly settled on good. Give it a view, cool flick.

Met Ashley at the airport where we were picked up by her friend Katherine. Had a few late beers at her house and then my head hit the pillow and eight seemingly instantaneous hours passed. Woke up to Kat being loud for what I thought was her leaving for work. Turns out her and Ashley never went to bed and now were drunkenly seeking my advice for how to call in sick (after touting her friend's visit already at work). Could tell my time here would be fun.

A random weekend followed where I found myself at a million dollar house auction (Just observing, but it was so intense I had to keep my hands in my pockets so I didn't get caught up and bid!), on a sail boat with Kat's family, and at a "grand toilet opening" aka celebration of renovations at the local yacht club. Even met a member of parliament there and an Olympic sailor gold medalist (perhaps he won this race: http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=510_1344196881 ).

Just a terrific weekend hanging out with a wild but wonderful family. Reminded me of the extended Delaneys......minus the yachts and mansion auctions. And the chance to relax, watch a real TV, do laundry, and just be in an actual house for a few days was incredibly refreshing. So grateful to Kat and her family. (Paul may deserve his own write-up at a later date.)

Airlie Beach

Next we flew to Airlie Beach, a one-strip town of dude-brahs and  Robobabes. It serves as the launch point to the 74 Whitsunday islands. We took a day trip on a roller coaster like boat to do some snorkeling and chill on Whitehaven beach, cited as one of the ten best in the world in the brochures. Saw some beautiful fish and coral during the snorkel and glimpsed about 5 large sea turtles, albeit passing by quickly in the boat. I also glimpsed a jellyfish and must have been quite the sight trying to escape it against the tide and without kicking my feet back into it. I was resigned to pee on myself, but narrowly escaped.

The remainder of Airlie time was spent lazing by the lagoon, searching fruitlessly for a trucker hat I can pull off, and watching a Kookaburra steal Ashley's sausage McMuffin. Our last night was spent at our hostel's bar with a 30 member "footy" team who gave new meaning to the term rowdy.

I swear I can swim. Everyone gets a noodle!

This drunken man on the right poured his soul out to me. Why does that always happen?

Cairns

Spent another contortionist evening on the night bus to Cairns. Cairns, lush and muggy, serves as the main gateway to the Great Barrier Reef. Seriously every other shop there is a tour booking agency. We chose to go with Ocean Magic.

A 90 minute boat ride blew my hair back like some kind of mad scientist before we arrived at their floating platform. The next 5 hours were a hilarious beehive of rushed tourists going every which way. Semi-sub leaves in 10 minutes. Gather in this corner for snorkel safari. Intro dives here. Glass bottom boat there. Buffet lunch now on. It seemed more frenetic than it needed to be at first (towards the end though, the sun and rocking motion turned the lounge deck into a scene vaguely reminescent of Gone with the Wind. People dropped like flies.)

For my part, I took both the boat and sub tour (to pad my "Transpo Tracker" stats) and spent the rest of the time snorkeling on my own. The ocean was rocking that day, but I still had fun and marvelled at the kaleidoscope of fish (though one bit my foot).

At the end of the day we signed back in so as not to be left behind ("Oh I saw that movie. Well, not really...but...yeah. I'll just sign now.") and headed home. Maybe not the most intimate way to see the reef, but still one of the cooler days of my life.

Not much else to do in Cairns. Saw one of the sadder little animal parks in existence, walked the boardwalk, and got 4th place (out of 45) in an Aussie billiard (their weird version anyway) tournament!

Did see a few reef sharks from the sub!

I got my pic with this guy, Wally, too but it didn't turn out.

I'm now in Alice Springs where it's 39 degrees....Celsius!! Do a 3 day camping tour of Uluru starting 6am tomorrow. As a present for my lovely mother's birthday (and for time constraints), I'll NOT post my Politics and Travel entry...for now. Should be able to put up 2 or 3 more posts though before I leave for Asia on the 30th. Cheers til then!